Did you ever have one of those days? You know, when things don’t go quite right and on this day, of all days, you just don’t handle these things with your usual aplomb?
A day like, let’s say a Sunday, of Labor Day weekend, and your family is at a cookout and your 2 ½ year old son is on the swing set and you happen to notice that his right leg from the knee down is blue.
And it just doesn’t seem right.
So you call the pediatrician, who, of course, isn’t your regular pediatrician because it’s the Sunday of a holiday weekend. You get the on-call pediatrician who doesn’t know you or your son and is kind of attitudinous (yes, that’s a word) with you because he, too, is probably enjoying a picnic or cookout of his own and doesn’t (really) want to be bothered.
But he listens to your story and starts asking more questions.
Lots of the same, repeated, unnecessary really smart doctor-y questions that you have, yes you have haven’t yet answered.
After thoroughly explaining the situation, my concerns, the background, my attempts at diagnosing the problem and about 15 minutes of dismissive and “I don’t really want to deal with you†attitude from the doctor I am more than a little agitated.
The conversation begins to deteriorate on my end and the doctor continues the questioning (and my answers become the soundtrack to the party as I get progressively louder and eventually drown out the music, or at least it seems that way…)
“Like I SAID, I just noticed his leg is blue.â€
“Nope, NOT the whole thing, just BELOW the knee.â€
“Nope, it’s NOT paint. I KNOW what paint looks like.â€
“Nope it’s NOT chalk, I KNOW what chalk looks like.â€
“Yup, I tried to wipe it off, IT’S STILL BLUE.â€
“It’s BLUE!!!â€
“IT’S NOT RIGHT!â€
“Can you just LOOK at it?â€
“I’d like you to look at my son’s leg.â€
“Ummm, yes. It’s BLUE!â€
At this point I’m so frustrated, I’m crying. Thinking, I guess, that if it’s a circulation issue it really should be taken care of quickly and time’s-a-wasting while I’m on the phone arguing with the doctor. I just want him to listen to me and check out J’s leg.
At some point he says, “Why are you crying? What exactly would you like me to do here?â€
And I say (shout), “I WOULD LIKE YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH A CONDESCENDING F*^&ING A$$HOLE AND STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE I’M AN IDIOT AND LOOK AT MY SON’S LEG!!â€
Apparently that outburst let him know just what kind of crazy he was dealing with. We made arrangements for him to meet my husband and J at his office so he could figure out what was wrong.  (Is anyone surprised I didn’t bring him myself?)
Forty-five minutes pass and I get a call from Greg, “Don’t worry, he’s fine, we’re on our way back. I’ll explain it when I get there.â€
I’m relieved but cannot imagine what happened, what did the doctor find out? What’s going on with J’s leg? My mind is racing.
My husband returns to the party and pulls me aside.
He tells me the doctor has determined it was not life threatening, there was no circulation problem; J was going to be okay.
“So, what did he do? What is it? How did he figure it out?â€
Through a smirk and eyes a little bit teary from trying to hold back the laughter, my patient, calm and kind husband says, “He wet a paper towel and wiped away the blue Popsicle stains.â€
No lie.
This post is a follow-up to my review of The Mother of All Meltdowns. You could win your very own copy of MoAM The Book by entering below. If you don’t win you could also purchase a copy on Amazon. Facebook and twitter links are included in the entry form.
Thanks for visiting “So, I’ve Been Thinking…†I’d love to hear about your meltdown in the comments!
OH MY GOSH! Hysterically funny, thanks so much for sharing this Meltdown with us! 🙂
Thank you! Funny and embarrassing!
Cute. I am sure we have all been there!
Yes, everyone has to have some story like this in their history, right? Right?
Oh dear god… Tears are coming to my eyes! I have seen you in that mode it is not pretty and then to have to find out what is really was?? I really needed that laugh today. Thanks you!! Now if it was a blue penis….:)
It happened at Jimmy’s house. Maybe that blue Popsicle explains both! EWWW!
OK, I know it wasn’t funny right then in the moment, but now? Now, it’s hysterical, right!?! And aren’t you glad it wasn’t your regular ped? OMG!!!
So glad! I would have had to find a new office to go to.
I am DYING laughing!! This is probably one of my favorite parenting stories ever!! :)-Ashley
Thank you (I think!) I’ve had about 8 years to deny, adjust to and finally own my behavior. It’s a process.
That is hilarious! OMG I can’t believe you never told me this story! I can’t stop laughing!
I can’t believe I haven’t shared this proud, proud moment before either!
Ok, seriously I just couldn’t help, but laugh out loud on this. I seriously could have seen myself crying on the phone and then giving the doctor a piece of my mind, too. But loved the punch line and I think most of us moms like I said could totally relate!
I’m glad to know I’m not alone in all my crazy!
Buhahahahha! This is so funny! I really wasnt expecting this as I read through. LOL!
Good, I really tried to make it suspenseful and keep the ending a surprise! And I’m being serious.
OH MY GOSH!!! LOL…. this is hysterical! The mix of emotions I felt in this post were enough to make me explode! One second I am right there with you like, “YEAH.. screw you doctor thinking you know it all.. I am mom.. here me ROAR… then the next I am dieing laughing from the fact that…mmmmmmkkkkk.. you got us this time doc!” HAHAHAHAH!!! good stuff!!! ~Leah~
Thanks! You totally got it, I was exactly what he thought I was. That was a bummer…after I got through the humiliation of it.
haha!! I’m seriously cracking up. Great story and GREAT delivery of a great story. This one is for the books!
Thanks Tamara!
Haha!!! Did you give yourself a well deserved mommy-time-out with a xanax and bottle of wine?!
That was the other reason I didn’t drive to the office. Momma needed a cocktail after all that emotion!
That is hysterical! I have to tell you, I yelled at my computer, “You tell him!” when you yelled at the doctor. I have been on the receiving end of the “I don’t want to be bothered with you” attitude.
Isn’t that the worst? I hate that attitude, at least listen to what I have to say!
Oh my gosh, thank you for sharing this story! Too funny. I guess it’s better than having your husband call and saying they have to amputate his leg, right? 🙂 Love the comment to the doctor. I’d love to have seen his face!
Yes, no doubt the best scenario for J. I cannot imagine the Dr’s face but I’ll tell you he spoke a whole lot differently after that outburst than before. Although that is not my standard m.o.
Oh that is funny!!! I almost had a heart attack one night as I made the rounds checking on my girls. My youngest one had blue lips. Fortunately, after I realized that she was indeed breathing, I remembered that she had a blu popsicle after dinner. 🙂
See…you can totally relate! I’m glad you didn’t have to yell at a pediatrician to figure it out though!
Aren’t you glad your husband took your son to the doctor instead of you? This was so funny – after I knew your son wasn’t going to lose his leg, of course.
Oh yes, I cannot imagine having to do that. I wonder if either of them laughed…I should ask.
Total awesomeness!!! Mom -0 Doc- 1….crap!!!! Better safe then sorry though!!
For sure, rather be wrong than have something be really wrong. Right?
oh. my. heck! I wish I could hug your neck, girlfriend! {I will be toasting tonight in honor of you!} cheers!
Thank you! I hope you had a great cocktail, I definitely did!
I read this to David and Nolan, but I didn’t tell them who posted it. They were laughing hysterically, and then I said, “you know the Greg in this post.” Nolan was like, “is that a true story?” And David said,”I can totally see that happening, read what she said to the doctor again!” Great story, excellent writing, love and miss you guys…
Oh I do give David some good reasons to laugh, huh? Remember when he called and I thought he was Greg? Ugh, good thing I have a high embarrassment quotient – is that a thing? We miss you guys too!
Love it and I’m so glad that you let him have it…for the rest of us! Thanks for sharing.
It felt so good when I said that, I was so frustrated and angry. I don’t make a habit of it but it sure was nice to get that off my chest. Even if ultimately I was wrong…
This story is HILARIOUS!! Good for you for yelling at the doctor. It annoys me to no end when they pull that condescending B.S., even when it turns out to be popsicle stains!
Thanks and I agree, it stinks that it got to the point where I had to yell to be heard.
Oh my goodness- that is one funny story. I have had several meltdowns that I can laugh about now. Thanks for sharing yours.
I guess it’s okay if ~eventually~ we get to laugh, right?
Hysterical- that is such a funny story! How long did it take you to find a new pediatric office 🙂
Luckily this guy was from a different office so I didn’t have to seek out someone new!
If anyone claims that they have not had a meltdown about something and then realized that they should eat their words…… I am not sure I believe them!
I hear ya! We’ve all been there about something, right?
Oh no!!!! OMG that is truly hilarious. I mean, now that it’s over of course. Thank God you didn’t take him yourself!! I wouldn’t feel badly at all about yelling at him. He WAS being an a-hole and if he wasn’t, maybe you would’ve tried to wipe it off yourself. Either way – great story!!
UGH! I did try to wipe it off, I just didn’t WET the paper towel. It was scary, I didn’t know what the heck was going on. It is pretty funny now…but it has been 8 years.
Okay- so now that I have found you- I am TOTALLY in love with you!!!! This- this right here? THE moment!?? HILARIOUS!!! And your delivery of carefully placed words made it BRILLIANT!!! Ohmygosh- I am freaking in tears! Seriously- you NAILED it!!
But seriously seriously? I have been on that horrible side of the doctors call- and I too have blown up and been completely, excruciatingly OFFENDED at the condescending nature of the conversation- many many many times. Nothing worse when you are scared for your child. Wouldn’t ya think they can respect that? Apparently not all of them do.
You are so funny! Thank you! When your doctor is condescending it really is the worst. I feel like I am already vulnerable do they have to take advantage of that?
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